Essay by Hugh Gallagher

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.

ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.

Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

Forget Rednecks...

Forget Rednecks... here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Englanders...

(1) If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in New England .

(2) If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in New England.

(3) If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.

(4) If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.

(5) If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend, you live in New England.

(6) if you measure distance in hours, you live in New England.

(7) If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in New England.

(8) If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you live in New England.

(9) If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England

(10) If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in New England ..

(11) If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in New England.

(12) If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in New England

(13) If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in New England

(14) If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in New England.

(15) If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in New England.

(16) If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you live in New England.

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your New England friends & others, you live in New England

If By: Rudyard Kipling

If

By: Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son.

The Bourne Ultimatum - movie review

Just a quick review. The Bourne Ultimatum rocks! But everyone is saying this.... that doesn't make it any less true. See this film.... twice.

The Breach - movie review

Just finished watching the movie: Breach. IMDB gave it 7.4 out 10. Too generous for me. Interesting film and story because it was based on a true story and real people. BUT, it was slow and somewhat boring. I was given the DVD by a bro and is worth a $2 rental but that's it. Definitely not a $4 film. The lead actor, Chris Cooper carried the film. Had a lesser actor had the part I pale to think what would of come of it. I was surprised by Ryan Phillippe's acting. I thought he be another useless pretty boy actor; e.g. Demi Moore's husband, but he actually did a passable job..

Bottom line: skip this one unless you've seen everything else and you have to watch a movie.

the pounds formula

Wastewater. It maybe crap to you, but it's bread and butter to me.

It's all about "total mass" - not too much, not too little. The Goldilocks of utilities. The pounds formula is simple:

Pounds = (concentration) X (8.34 pounds per gallon) x (volume in gallons)

That's it. Take a sample, determine the concentration, multiply by 8.34, multiply by volume... and you got it.

my wife's a professional...

my wife's a professional... blogger that is. She spends a lot of time posting stuff. I actually don't read her blog. Is that bad? I don't think so... I think that if she wants to tell me something she can tell me.